Dear Dominic,
"...and so the mortician tells the necrophiliac that's not a cadaver, that's my wife!" I forget how it started, but that is the actual end to an actual joke one of my coworkers (let's call him Craig) told me. Craig is terrible at jokes. Like, fucking terrible. If I had a nickle for every time he told an unfunny joke I'd be all "holy shit, where did all these nickles come from!? Genie, take it back, take it all back! No more wishes!" or something of the sort. When he makes jokes I feel like American slavery was somewhat justified. Is there any thing I can do on my end to make him not not funny?
Regards,
The Green Power Ranger
Dear TGPR,
I've met many people like your friend in my life. Completely devoid of humor, they are missing the ability for their humor gland to secrete Laughamine, a neurotransmitter that makes you interesting in conversation and not a cow. It's science. There was a time when I worried that all the exposure to unfunny jokes from unfunny friends over the years would give me a form of cancer that doesn't have a ribbon or 5K attached to it. Horrifying. To combat such hypothetical illness, I have come up with a series of humor do's and don'ts that can easily to applied to your comedy challenged co-worker.
DO: Make context appropriate jokes
If everyone is talking about tax-rates being unreasonable, whimsically counter with tax related jokes. It shows that you are not only paying attention to the conversation at hand but have the quick wit to playfully turn discussed ideas on their respective heads.
Reading that last tip back makes it sound like I'm trying to write for The New Yorker. Which leads me to my second tip:
DON'T: Talk like you are trying to write for The New Yorker
It's fine if you read it, but, like, keep that shit to yourself alright? Reading The New Yorker, much like your gluten allergy and the godawful Nirvana cover band you play bass for, is the type of information that should be projected as little as possible.
Like right there! The way you just rolled your eyes and flipped your scarf! That's the kind of sassy fuckery people who read The New Yorker do! Cut that shit out, alright? I'm trying to help you here.
DO: Strategically use props
I'm not saying go full Carrot Top here. You don't need a suitcase full of rubber chickens and clattering teeth, although could you imagine if you did? People would be all like, "wtf bro, you has chickens?" and you'd be all like "yeah I do bro, cool right?" and they'd be all "we are friends now and forever." Fuck it, go get yourself some rubber chickens.
DON'T: Laugh maniacally at your own jokes
BECAUSE YOU LOOK LIKE A FUCKING ASSHOLE. A little smile, slight chuckle at your own material sure, that's fine. Reasonable even. But laughing like you just heard the funniest thing in your life? And it came from your own goddamn mouth? Gimme a break, dude.
DO: Utilize racial humor
After extensive daydreaming of researching stand up comedy I discovered that 65% of all jokes can be boiled down to "Black people and white people are different. Crazy, right?" So if in a pinch for a funny one liner, reference slavery or the Holocaust. But humorously.
DON'T: Be Jeff Dunham
This last tip should not be too difficult to pull off, unless you are already Jeff Dunham. If you are Jeff Dunham, sorry dude, you're fucked as far as being funny goes.
Hope these tips help your pathetic fraud of a human being co-worker to better make non-threatening amusing conversation in the future.
Love,
Dr. Dominic Coats
"...and so the mortician tells the necrophiliac that's not a cadaver, that's my wife!" I forget how it started, but that is the actual end to an actual joke one of my coworkers (let's call him Craig) told me. Craig is terrible at jokes. Like, fucking terrible. If I had a nickle for every time he told an unfunny joke I'd be all "holy shit, where did all these nickles come from!? Genie, take it back, take it all back! No more wishes!" or something of the sort. When he makes jokes I feel like American slavery was somewhat justified. Is there any thing I can do on my end to make him not not funny?
Regards,
The Green Power Ranger
Dear TGPR,
I've met many people like your friend in my life. Completely devoid of humor, they are missing the ability for their humor gland to secrete Laughamine, a neurotransmitter that makes you interesting in conversation and not a cow. It's science. There was a time when I worried that all the exposure to unfunny jokes from unfunny friends over the years would give me a form of cancer that doesn't have a ribbon or 5K attached to it. Horrifying. To combat such hypothetical illness, I have come up with a series of humor do's and don'ts that can easily to applied to your comedy challenged co-worker.
DO: Make context appropriate jokes
If everyone is talking about tax-rates being unreasonable, whimsically counter with tax related jokes. It shows that you are not only paying attention to the conversation at hand but have the quick wit to playfully turn discussed ideas on their respective heads.
Reading that last tip back makes it sound like I'm trying to write for The New Yorker. Which leads me to my second tip:
DON'T: Talk like you are trying to write for The New Yorker
It's fine if you read it, but, like, keep that shit to yourself alright? Reading The New Yorker, much like your gluten allergy and the godawful Nirvana cover band you play bass for, is the type of information that should be projected as little as possible.
Like right there! The way you just rolled your eyes and flipped your scarf! That's the kind of sassy fuckery people who read The New Yorker do! Cut that shit out, alright? I'm trying to help you here.
DO: Strategically use props
I'm not saying go full Carrot Top here. You don't need a suitcase full of rubber chickens and clattering teeth, although could you imagine if you did? People would be all like, "wtf bro, you has chickens?" and you'd be all like "yeah I do bro, cool right?" and they'd be all "we are friends now and forever." Fuck it, go get yourself some rubber chickens.
DON'T: Laugh maniacally at your own jokes
BECAUSE YOU LOOK LIKE A FUCKING ASSHOLE. A little smile, slight chuckle at your own material sure, that's fine. Reasonable even. But laughing like you just heard the funniest thing in your life? And it came from your own goddamn mouth? Gimme a break, dude.
DO: Utilize racial humor
After extensive daydreaming of researching stand up comedy I discovered that 65% of all jokes can be boiled down to "Black people and white people are different. Crazy, right?" So if in a pinch for a funny one liner, reference slavery or the Holocaust. But humorously.
DON'T: Be Jeff Dunham
This last tip should not be too difficult to pull off, unless you are already Jeff Dunham. If you are Jeff Dunham, sorry dude, you're fucked as far as being funny goes.
Hope these tips help your pathetic fraud of a human being co-worker to better make non-threatening amusing conversation in the future.
Love,
Dr. Dominic Coats
