Switch

Dear Dr. Coats,

There's no real easy way to go about this so I'll just come out and say it- I've switched bodies with my 9 year old son and I don't know what to do about it. Let me explain. A few days ago we were shopping in a real ethnic Europeany part of town when we found a posh antique vase store that specialized in selling antique vases. Once inside I spotted a vase that would have looked great in my bathroom and told my son to grab it. My son, being the useless little shit that he is, dropped the vase immediately. Apparently it belonged to a long line of Gypsy witches and apparently Gypsy witches are assholes.

The proprietor of the store said we were cursed with the Freaky Friday starring Lindsay Lohan spell, which caused my son and me to switch bodies for an undetermined amount of time. Although I've been killing it in third grade (literally killed a kid in dodgeball, by the way) I do miss having a man sized penis, plus my son has been having a montage-worthy series of hilarious mishaps with my wife and colleagues at work. Without resorting to an act of true love or other things that don't exist, how do we get our bodies back?


Someone With Itsy Teeny Child Hands



Dear SWITCH,

Now that is a killer pen name. Readers, this is the type of thoughtful, moderately clever pseudonym I'd like to see more of.

There are three basic types of Body Switcheroonies™: twin and twin, person and dog, parent and child. If someone were to tell you they swapped bodies with their grandpa or something equally ridiculous, rest assured that they are fucking lying. Those three, that's it.

Twins often forego returning to their original bodies because literally no one gives a shit, and the majority of person/dog swaps result in the euthanization of said dog (who is really a person [but dies as a dog]). Parent and child Body Switcheroonies™, luckily, have a much higher rate of Original Body Reacquisition®.

The first and most important step in any successful OBR® is to continue living the life of your current body as normally as possible. For you this means to act like the pathetic spaz your son actually is rather than a normally functioning child. Your son should take extended sick leave for work (tell them he has Acute Aids, it's super trendy right now) and tell your wife/his mom that he can't have sex with her for the foreseeable future because she has really let herself go and he's considering getting a divorce. This should buy you guys enough time to enact step two. Now, step two is actually pretty simple: you need to kill yourselves some gypsies. A lot of gypsies. Like, a Holocaust level of gypsies.

You see, each Gypsy Soul Curse© costs a rather arbitrary amount of Roma souls to both cast and uncast. The cost for the initial GSC© was paid for when your asshole of a son dropped the vase (pronounced Vah-Se-Ut-Ah in Gypsy) releasing a number of gypsy souls. What you need to do now is go back to the antique vase store, find out how many souls were trapped inside, then kill Gypsies at your leisure. It's best to not go overboard with the number of Roma you murder per day, as police and society tend to frown on genocide.

Roma, as the name implies, are a people often on the move so it can be difficult to track down enough to kill/soul harvest. A good place to start your quest would be to visit any local establishments that offer tarot card readings, palm readings, mind readings, or any other readings that don't involve books. Roma tend to run these establishments, as I've read in Playfully Racist Bullshit Weekly. Another hot spot for hunting Gypsy would be weddings. Or more specifically, big fat weddings. I'm not sure how a wedding can be fat, but if you find a fat wedding you'll probably find some Gypsies. Happy Hunting!


Dr. Coats

Muslim

Dear Dr. Coats,

When the youngest of my three daughters, Charmander, was 14 she told me she was a lesbian. Being from a small conservative town in Arkansas this threw me for a loop. My husband and I argued to high Heaven with Charmander for years and years trying to change her mind. It was hard, but eventually we made peace with her lifestyle and learned to love our daughter for who she is. Plus we have two normal daughters, so we figure two out of three ain't bad.

Now she's 23 and has started dating a Pakistani. Oh tickle my pickle and lick my grapefruits! There has to be only two lesbian Pakistani in all of Arkansas and my daughter has to meet one of them. I have nothing against Pakistan and its people, it's just a little much y'know? Lesbian and Middle Easterner. Also my daughter's girlfriend is a Muslim, and if I find out she had anything to do with 9/11 I'll have a heart attack. As a respectable and well-endowed Christian woman, how should I go about telling my daughter I disapprove of who she scissors her time with?

Really Active Christian Idealist Seeks Teaching

Dear RACIST,

Some parts of your story don't seem to be adding up. You said your daughter was 14 then one paragraph later she's suddenly 23? Children don't grow up that fast. You claim to be a devout Christian yet you name your daughter after a Generation I Pokemon? Generation II is all that matters, you filthy casual. You say you are from Arkansas but you know how to read and write? Girl, please (read that as "guuuurrrrrll pleaaazze," and imagine that I snap my fingers all sassy-like because that is what I am doing right now). Regardless, I have your letter in one hand and a glass of Relevant Seasonal Beverage in the other, so I may as well answer your question.

It was very brave of you and your husband to accept your daughter for her deviant sexual preferences. It is unfortunate that, regardless of how noble a life she may lead, she will be damned to the fiery pits of Hell for all eternity just for being attracted to members of her own sex, but rules are rules. Make sure she's not eating shrimp too, otherwise she'll go to Super Hell. It's like regular Hell only everyone talks using gratuitous air quotes.

While you may be apprehensive about your daugther's Middle Eastern girlfriend you truly have nothing to fear. Middle Easterners are just like you or me, but there are a few safety tips you should abide by to avoid any unnecessary conflict.

• Make noise when the girlfriend stops by your house. Middle Easterners hate to be suprised so be sure to make your prescence known.
• Travel in groups when around the girlfriend. Groups make more noise and appear more formidable to Middle Easterners.
• Do not leave food out in the open when the girlfriend is around. Middle Easterners have a very keen sense of smell and will be attracted to strong odors.
• Do not allow the girlfriend to eat human food. If a Middle Easterner eats human food, even once, they become very aggressive and must be either relocated or put down.
• If the girlfriend approaches or charges at you DO NOT RUN. Middle Easterners will often "bluff charge" their way out of threatening situations, so running away will only serve to excite them and put you in danger.
• If the girlfriend gets too close stand your ground, wave your arms above your head, and talk (don't scream) loudly. Middle Easterners will often leave if they see their prey is aggressive.
• Carry around Middle Eastern Spray. It is a non-toxic, non-lethal spray that will deter the girlfriend, giving you time to escape.
• In the rare occasion that the girlfriend has attacked you, lie face down on the ground and put your hands over the back of your neck. Continue playing dead until the girlfriend has left. Middle Easterners often do not go after already dead prey.

Following the aformentioned safety tips should ensure that you find your daughter's girlfriend a wonderful addition to your family. For further inquiries contact the campground kiosk or the nearest park ranger.  

Dr. Coats

Weight

Much hullabaloo is being made by the social justice warrior community over the tangentially related issues of obesity, body acceptance, and fat shaming. Gone are the days of enjoying a cheap laugh at the expense of Fat Albert or an impromptu Truffle Shuffle. Instead, the overweight are to be sympathized, protected, respected, and even desired (WHY THE FUCK ARE DAD BODS A THING HOW DID THIS BECOME A THING). Lost in the parade of self-efficacy nonsense are the very real consequences obesity has on both the individual and the nation. Is it impossible to preach healthy lifestyles without destroying one's self-esteem? Is fat the new black? Why utilize rhetorical questions? Don't I know it's a rather lazy way to frame discussion? How long should I keep this paragraph going? Should I stop now? How about now? What's a hypotenuse?    

The argument goes that a large portion of America's overweight population literally cannot lose weight. Some scientists have both posited and proved the existence of "fat genes," genes which basically predispose one to carry more weight than is normal.  It's interesting to note that scientists have also discovered smoking genes and pedophile genes, biological markers that leave one susceptible to Cuban cigars and small children, respectively. Strangely enough, neither of the aforementioned activities are defended by the well-what-can-I-do-I-was-born-this-way crowd.

Rational human beings understand that genes that predispose one to be overweight are different from the genes that predispose one to be six feet tall. Emphasis on rational. 

Of the types of maladies that would effect one's weight loss hypothyroidism is one of the most commonly discussed. While not impossible for those living with hypothyroidism to lose weight, one must be empathetic to their plight. However, only 4.6% of the US population has hypothyroidism while 69% are overweight and/or obese. Assuming that every American with hypothyroidism is overweight (they aren't), that would mean 64.4% of the US population has, at best, a weak argument as to why they are overweight.  

If one is going to say "big is beautiful," one must follow up that sentiment with "and also really fucking expensive." The annual cost of American obesity in 2008 was $147 billion and that number has only continued to rise. Obese employees miss more work than non-obese employees and, once they are able to make it to work, are less productive than their healthy weight peers. 

But enough keyboard science. Can we be real with one another? I mean real real. *rolls up sleeves and sits in chair backwards* Let's go back to fat shaming, or the idea of fat shaming. Insulting an overweight person for the sake of insulting an overweight person is unnecessarily cruel and useless. Offering advice or encouragement to an overweight person to lose weight, however, should not be considered fat shaming.

Steady your keyboards, SJWs. Being overweight is as legitimate a lifestyle as being a smoker. To not only defend such a lifestyle but encourage it is entirely disingenuous. Expanding on the idea of smokers, look how we as society treat them. Smokers are pretty much not allowed to smoke in any building these days, are constantly bombarded with ads telling them they are killing themselves, and - having experienced this firsthand as a former smoker myself - few will hesitate to publicly berate smokers for their lifestyle choice. As much as I roll my eyes when I see a commercial with some skateboarding anthropomorphic dinosaur encouraging children to not smoke BECAUSE SMOKING IS MOST UN-RADICAL, at the very least I agree with the message: smoking is bad. It is bad for the health of the individual and the health of the community.

"Well, yeah" says the dipshit arguing with me in my head, "that's smoking. It's completely different from being overweight." No, no it's not. Both are lifestyle choices that result in entirely preventable health problems that negatively impact the individual, the nation, and everything in between. Neither can be defended as harmless.

Therein lies my biggest gripe with the anti-fat shaming vanguards of the world; they think being fat is a legitimate lifestyle. Before you grab your pitchforks - which probably double as your actual forks (okay that was mean-spirited but hey, I'm an asshole) - participate in a short exercise with me. Think of all the arguments used to defend the overweight and obese. Genetics, personal choice, the idea that one can be overweight yet have a medically clear bill of health, etc. Now for each of those arguments replace "overweight" with "anorexic." Both are on the same spectrum of weight-related disorders and both have documented consequences for the individual. However, the bravely overweight are treated as paragons, the underweight as pariahs.

I get it. There are many people - particularly on the internet - who have a hostile, virulent reaction to the overweight. These are the types of cartoonish villains who show up on Tumblr or one's Facebook feed, foaming at the mouth as they hurl juvenile insults at anyone who's weight starts with 3. I am neither condoning nor encouraging such behavior; I am, however, saying that the act of being overweight is something that should be dissuaded, and that such dissuasion is not akin to fat shaming. Basically, I can disagree with destructive behavior without being a dick about it.

The general acceptance of overweight or obese individuals is just further evidence of the pussification of our nation. *note to self, copyright "Pussification of Our Nation" for sale to inevitable reboot of Schoolhouse Rock* The individual is allowed to live his or her life as they please, but any criticism towards said lifestyle - regardless of legitimacy - is disregarded as malicious ignorance. This is the crux of the Anti-Fat Shaming Brigade; they seek to mold society to better themselves rather than mold themselves to better society. Their self-proclaimed bravery for standing up to the mean old gym bro harassing them whilst out and about is insulting to those actually displaying bravery to advance their respective social causes. A lesbian couple fighting for equal adoption rights are brave. An unarmed protester standing meters away from a heavily armed riot squad is brave. A fat guy who parks in handicap spaces is just an asshole.