Halloween

Phil Philson: Hubris Consulting, home of superfluous titles, inaccurate job descriptions, questionable ethics, and zany costumes! We're here for the 35th annual RC Cola™ Office Halloween Party Costume Competition, where adults careening towards middle age temporarily embrace a facade of youthful exuberance by dressing as ironically humorous characters while battling unironic mid-life crises.

Boom Boom: Chill with the big words, bro.

Phil: As always, I'm joined by my partner, Buster "Boom Boom" McDougal. How are you doing tonight, Boom Boom?

Boom: I'd be better if I wasn't consistently court-ordered to provide commentary for random shit.

Phil: That's right, Boom, the energy here is electric. And a big part of that energy is thanks to our longtime sponsor RC Cola™. RC Cola™, when literally no other drink is available. This year's OHPCC is primed to be one of the most competitive Halloween office parties in recent memory. Not since the great Crow vs Duffman clashes of the mid 90s have we had so many fierce competitors. 

Boom: We got everything from sexy superheroes to insanely accurate superheroes. You see that dude in the Iron Man suit with working rocket boots? Does he even work here?

Phil: I am being told that not only does he not work for Hubris Consulting, he does not reside in this state. Apparently he has been flying around the country fighting crime.

Boom: Aaaaaand he just flew away. 

Phil: Our first contestant of the evening - or should I say, first contestants- is a group of Harley Quinns. Far and away the most popular costume of the evening, for expediency's sake we have grouped all 16 Harleys as one competitor.

Boom: Still not as bad as that time when half the office came dressed as Elsa from Frozen.  

Phil: Unfortunately with so many dressed as the same character, this is really going to hurt their originality scores. Tough break for these ladies and one gentleman. 

Boom: Except for that one. Harley number 12, you see her? Jesus. She got that double take booty. She got that "ay bro, I'ma call you back," booty. She got that 9/11 never forget booty. 

Phil: On that note we would like to extend our condolences to all the families affected by the 9/11 terrorist attacks. Truly a day filled with sorrow, but what better way to drown your sorrows than with a nice, room temperature RC Cola™? RC Cola™, because you've already given up on life. Moving along our next two contestants are the reigning Couples Costume champions, dressed tonight as the formidable political music duo Daft Trump and Hill Khalifa.

Boom: The glowing electric hair on Daft Trump is wonderfully executed, but what really puts this couple over the top is how Hill Khalifa has combined all the elements that make Wiz a fuckboy with all the elements that make Hillary a shit human being. 

Phil: Tattoo covered pantsuit was an excellent decision, as was the giant bag that says "deleted emails." Our third contestant is sporting tonight's first completely original costume, with a character of his own design. And he is... oh boy.

Boom: Your dick is out, bro.

Contestant 3: You mean my dicks are out. 

Boom: What the actual fuck?

Contestant 3: I'm Tri Dick, the Man with Three Dicks. He's an OC and the main protagonist from my Harry Potter fan fiction. In the latest story he gets into a disagreement with Professor McGonagall, Hagrid, and Snape, and solves it the only way Tri Dick knows how.

Phil: While I'm sure it makes for riveting storytelling, your costume clearly breaks the no nudity clause of the contest, so I'm afraid you are disqualified. Next up we have Father... bear with me, Gascoigne? 

Contestant 4: It's pronounced Father "Gass-coin." He's the first main boss from the critically acclaimed PS4 exclusive, Bloodborne. Father Gascoigne is actually a very tragic character. You see, for some time now the good Father has been losing his grip on reality, and on the night of The Hunt he does the unthinkable and gives into his beastly instincts, allowing himself to be completely engulfed in bloodlust, after accidentally killing his own wife, who had forgotten to bring the music box used to revert him back-

Boom: You've only been talking for like 20 seconds and I already genuinely hate you. 

Phil: The hat is well crafted, Boom, good eye. Contestant number 5 is the Bride of Frankenstein. I'm loving the make up application.

Contestant 5: Actually, I'm the Bride of Frankenstein's Monster, if we want to be technical.

Boom: A spade's a spade, toots.

Phil: Apologies, miss.

Contestant 5: And to be more technical, I'm dressed as the Bride of Frankenstein's Monster in a meta comedy where I'm actually the real Bride of Frankenstein's Monster but everyone just thinks I'm only dressed as the Bride of Frankenstein's Monster.

Phil: And I'm being told that contestant 5's costume has such a needlessly convoluted backstory that she wins the competition! Even though we had no less than 20 more contestants to go through!

Contestant 18: So I got dressed up as the dude from Drive for the the fifth year in a row for nothing?

Boom: I mean, you still look hella rad, bro.

Contestant 18: Thanks bro.

Phil: Contestant 5 has secured one of the most impressive, expedient wins in OHPCC history! While you're enjoying the taste of victory, contestant 5, why not enjoy the taste of an already opened RC Cola™? RC Cola™, the official drink of clinical depression. As always I'm Phil Philson and he's Buster "Boom Boom" McDougal-

Boom: Seriously man, the booty on Harley number 12...

Phil: On behalf of everyone here at Hubris Consulting, thanks for tuning in. Be sure to keep it right here for the new hit show Bees Stinging People, the only show on television that exclusively fills its runtime with bees stinging people. Thank you, and goodnight!  

Argue

For the better part of three months I have conducted informal research into the nature of man, of good and evil, of existence. Three months spent firmly entrenched in the belly of the beast, with little but my wits and resolve to guide me through. A Faustian journey who's only accepted currency is sanity. 

I've been arguing politics with strangers on the internet. 

"But Dominic," the naysayers naysay, "your task shall bear no fruit. Trying to educate people on the internet is akin to squeezing blood from stone." First off bro, I don't know who the fuck you are and secondly, what's with all this bloody fruit rock talk? You calling me queer, you libtard jew nigger faggot? How about you take your homo rocks and get the fuck out of my country. Fucking sheeple, stay woke. 

Apologies. After so much time in comment sections of various facebook, youtube, and yahoo posts I've grown accustomed to the... customs of the belligerently retarded. To attack at the faintest of slights, the most innocuous of statements. To vehemently crucify a stranger as if packersfan85 is all that is standing between you and Valhalla.

It mattered not the subject; from Obama's birthplace to Hillary's voting record to Trump's everything, all conversations in which I partook transpired and ended the same way. Conservative/liberal caricature posts a comment on an article or video of dubious integrity, I offer a level headed rebuttal with as many sources as possible, caricature ignores evidence and doubles down on craziness, I sit back in my chair dumbfounded by such intense ignorance, scene. Nothing is learned, nothing is gained.

The memes. If it wasn't for the occasional clever meme buried within comment sections the world over, I do not think I would have had the fortitude to continue my research. Harambe alone was enough to get me through August.   

My work has brought little joy these past few months. Brushing digital shoulders with the best of the worst America has to offer, those who find hastily made white text pseudo-memes viable sources of information, has dulled me to the point that 'irate' is the only emotion I can muster when browsing online. My studies have not shed light onto a subject as much as they have confirmed a belief; we do not want to learn, we want to be right. A sobering confirmation, akin to the true nature of Santa Claus or learning your favorite actor is a Scientologist.

And yet, I soldier on, as any true activist should. Oh yes, I do consider myself an activist. Some of us work on the front lines, building affordable housing in Sudan, helping women start their own businesses in Guatemala, or teaching Tomi Lahren how to read in Dallas. Others such as myself fight the good fight against the subterranean of the internet, the old racists, the young dipshits, the blissfully ignorant and the ignorantly blissful, those with strong opinions and weak resolve. I mean, if y'all only knew how many times I've had to read "wake up sheeple" or "I'm not racist but HERE'S SOME FUCKING RACISM," you'd understand the dire necessity of people serving at the vanguard of the internet, the place where oblivion and entropy coalesce.    

And if thou gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will call thou a nigger.