Sara: Hi, thank you for calling AT&T, the nation's number one provider of misery and sadness. My name is Sara, how may I help you lose just a little more faith in humanity today?
Me: Yes, I was calling about my AT&T U-verse service.
Sara: Sure thing! What seems to be the problem?
Me: Well I had scheduled internet installation on the eighth between 4:00 AM and 4:02 AM but no one showed up.
Sara: I am so sorry that happened to you, Mr. Coats!
Me: I didn't give you my name.
Sara: Bitch, what you say?
Me: Apologies, continue.
Sara: I'm looking up your information right now and... yes, it appears we did show up to install our U-verse service - voted number one in infant mortality for the past five years - at 4:00 PM.
Me: My appointment was scheduled for 4:00 AM because I was told that was the only time y'all had available for the month of July.
Sara: Oh no, Mr. Coats! Who would install internet at such an ungodly hour? We gave you the 4:00 AM option to test your resolve. You failed.
Me: I see.
Sara: Before we re-schedule your next appointment we will be sending you a box filled with bees as punishment for your cowardice.
Me: You really don't have to.
Sara: Wasps. Now a box filled with wasps.
Me: I deserve this.
Sara: Mr. Coats, my records are showing that your current TV package is limited to only 800 channels. Would you like me to tell you about our Ultra Turbo TV Package Platinum Edition: The Awakening?
Me: Can you not?
Sara: Excellent choice, sir! Ultra Turbo TV Package Platinum Edition: The Awakening provides the ultimate home entertainment experience for fat, useless, unimaginative pieces of shit such as yourself, sir.
Me: I've been losing some weight.
Sara: 15,000 channels, video recording, full HD programming, half SD programming, moderate STD programming, the entirety of ABC broadcasting in the early 90s translated from English to Mandarin and back to English, and more buttons on your remote control than you would ever know what to do with, you simple asshole. And with AT&T U-verse - God's chosen method of watching His own creations - you know that you are getting the best bang for your buck.
Me: Nah, I'd rather not upgrade. Don't watch much TV outside of Golden Girls reruns.
Sara: And... we've successfully signed you up for our Ultra Turbo TV Package Platinum Edition: The Awakening, Mr. Coats! As a courtesy to you and your weak bloodline we have retroactively charged you for six months of service.
Me: Just eyeballing it here but that doesn't seem right.
Sara: Unfortunately it appears you haven't made a TV service payment for the past six months, so we will be charging you more in late fees than you feel is reasonable but not enough for you to actually dispute.
Me: This is my life now.
Sara: Alright Mr. Coats, is there any other way we can bleed your soul this afternoon?
Me: You have done more than enough.
Sara: Mr. Coats if you would be so kind as to stay on the line and answer a brief survey on the service you received today.
Me: Is that barking in the background?
Sara: Yes, sir! If we find your answers to our brief survey unsatisfactory we will murder this dog! His name is Sgt. Bonkers.
Sgt. Bonkers: Woof!
Sara: Thank you for calling AT&T - the nation's leader in accidental death via auto-erotic asphyxiation - and have a good day.
Me: Thanks...?
Sara: Bitch.
