Shooter

I am always hesitant to write on topical subjects. A political gaffe, celebrity snaffu, sporty sports thing, all of these seem rather temporal. To me such subjects are in direct conflict with the inherent endurance of the written word, and far be it from me to betray its will. Until recently the subject of mass shootings would be lumped with the aforementioned topics. Tragic and troubling yes, but not something that happens with great frequency. Unfortunately one cannot go more than two weeks without reading about a disgruntled psychopath taking a gun and indiscriminately killing innocents. Such violence has become endemic of the Western world, America in particular. I can think of no better allegory for the moral decay of our society and desensitization of the individual than a mass shooting.

By now we all know the drill. Someone with severe mental illness who clearly had no business owning a gun takes to the streets, crazed manifesto left behind more so out of obligation than desire to be understood. I mean, c'mon, have you ever read one of those things? These dudes don't even proofread their shit. Bang bang, X amount of people dead, community in mourning, President sends condolences in between holes 11 and 12, yadda yadda. After offing themselves or getting gunned down by cops having their most fun in years, the locals are left only a few brief moments of quiet, organic grieving. Once the initial tragedy is over a more protracted and artificial one rises from its ashes like the lamest fucking phoenix you have ever seen.

Camera crews from across the nation pour into whatever sleepy town is still reeling from having members of their community slaughtered. National pundits summon hours of looking-somber practice as they look somber, a grieving parent pleads for stricter gun controls, a cartoonishly conservative NRA representative demands looser gun controls, Wolf Blitzer watches over it all with the glazed eyes of one who has seen much suffering. Or one who works at CNN.

What is it about mass shooters that makes network news eat up every case like a fat kid eating... like, way too much food and stuff? (I don't know what it is recently but I can't make fat people analogies to save my life. Swear to god I used to knock that shit out of the park.) It can't just be the death toll, since the average network news ticker will casually sneak in the 900 brown people from Brownpeopleiztan killed in a tsunami in between news of a stupid cute puppy doing something stupid cute and Selena Gomez farting. Natural disasters do not illicit the type of tragedy-induced-news-watching the media loves to pump out, and neither do acts of terrorism in countries not America. An American mass shooting strikes all the perfect chords needed to sing a song of sorrow. Not too far away to seem irrelevant, not too close to seem urgent. Not too fast to seem accidental, not too protracted to seem institutional. 

As mentioned earlier, usually just after the tragedy has occurred a tearful parent or significant other or life coach will plead, demand for tighter restrictions on gun laws so as to avert further loss of life. One must question the sincerity of these people. So you didn't give two shits about gun rights until your child/spouse/life coach was killed? That's like those people who have a relative who falls ill to some rare disease and then start a charity or raise awareness to find a cure for said rare disease. They don't really want a cure, they just want a cure for their relative. While I agree that there should be some tightening on who is allowed to carry around something that only exists to end one's existence, the problem of mass shooters is ultimately one of communication. A mass shooter usually suffers from mental illness or is just a raging asshole, both problems that can be dealt with sans bloodshed with proper communication. The responsibility for said communication falls on the media, community, family, and individual in that order. 

On the opposite end of the spectrum you have the boorishly tasteless, hopelessly delusional crusaders who feel now would be a good time to remind people that guns are, like, totally radical. Totes rad, brah. When these characters start crawling out of whatever ass backwards red state where QUEERS CAN'T GET NO MARRIED CUZ JESUS they come from I start playing a drinking game. Every time one of them says "second amendment," "freedom," or "Obama taking away our rights," take a shot. So far I've only died of alcohol poisoning twice. If they wish to believe guns do a good job of protecting people, fine, believe all you want. Ignoring the fact that only a very small percentage of gun related homicides are in self defense, guns are not really the issue. People are the issue. Move the people pendulum, not the firearm pendulum.

Both sides, caricatured liberals and caricatured conservatives, are so embarrassingly dense it saddens me. I do not mean that metaphorically either; I'm legit bummed that human beings can become so entrenched in their stupidity, in their madness, that crazy becomes the norm. Speaking solely in hyperbole becomes an acceptable form of conversation. Indignation an acceptable reaction to disagreement. These are the people who bumper stickers were made for. No one likes bumper stickers.

Any loss of life is tragic, but the deepest mourning should be reserved for those closest to the victims. It is not something for a nation to observe, to analyze. We are talking about the loss of human life, not what some smug dipshit said on Twitter to another smug dipshit. Although, can you believe the nerve of Smug Dipshit A? I can't wait to read Yahoo's news report on Smug Dipshit B's counter barb. Enthralling. Why does one's suffering need to be broadcast by news networks? That's not news, that's private. Back the fuck off CNN and Fox News (MSNBC is usually just playing with finger paint and eating glue in a corner), peace is much easier to achieve without 20 cameras in one's face. The dead should not serve as fodder for national news networks. 

I'm not one who believes tragedies happen so we can learn from them, but I believe tragedies will happen again if we do not learn from them. The predictable national discourse does not exactly instill confidence on our ability to learn from mistakes, but I have not given up on humanity just yet. Faith shaken, hope endures.

Advice

A good way to extend the shelf life of fruits and vegetables is to buy whiskey instead.  

Running low on writing paper? Grab two sheets of paper then fold each from the top right corner to bottom left corner. Fold top left corner to bottom right corner. Fold from left to right. Fold top to bottom. Holding the center pull each corner up, then place one sheet over the other. You now either have a paper hat or two awkwardly folded pieces of paper.
 

Never trust a big butt and a smile. Poison! Poison! P-p-p-poison!

To help remember someone's name when first meeting them shake their hand firmly, look them in the eye, and kiss them. You never forget your first kiss.

If you are down in the dumps after breaking up with a significant other ride more public transportation during high traffic times. You'll get more than enough inappropriate physical contact and uncomfortable smelling of fellow patrons to last you a week.

Always bet on black people.
 

Do not take candy from strangers, as they are probably pedophiles. Honestly anyone offering you candy on a day that isn't Halloween is probably a pedophile.

Zoning out of conversations can be a useful tactic to retain some semblance of sanity if you work in an office, have shitty friends, or know someone named Peggy. Oh, really Peggy, the dog food you normally get at Tractor Supply moved to a different aisle? That's crazy! Madness! Please talk about that and only that for fucking 10 minutes even though you clearly see I am trying to politely end the conversation and be about my business.

Considering becoming a magician? Haha! You're hysterical as always!
 

Contemplating suicide but don't want to leave a mess after blowing your brains out with a shotgun? Try shooting yourself inside your tub with the shower curtain pulled back. Leaving cleaning supplies next to your soon-to-be rotting corpse is a thoughtful and appreciated gesture for whoever finds you first.
 

Standing on chairs during office meetings will confer an image of power and assertiveness that your co-workers will respect.

Don't pee on people! It's considered rude most of the time!

There is a difference between maintaining polite eye contact during conversation and creepy creep eye contact for creeps. Ignore this difference. Concentrate on the eyes. Look at them. Make a mental note of every time their eyes nervously glance away from yours. What are they hiding? What do they know? Maintain eye contact. Perhaps they know? Know what you did? No! How could they! That would be impossible. Continue to stare into their eyes. Into their being. Until it burns. Does it burn? DOES IT BURN?

Aim for the stars but remember, most of them are really far away!

Having guests over but not looking forward to the clean up afterwards? Give each guest a trash fanny pack to wear during the party. This trick will virtually eliminate garbage from piling up around your poorly decorated living room and they look oh so stylish too!

Don't use hashtags ever, because you're not an asshole.



Sports

[The Cleveland Noble Savages have just defeated the Jackson City Quadroons 116-110 in game 1 of the Offensive Team Name Basketball League (OTNBL) championship series. "No Shoes" Jackson, DeQwondarius the Magnificent, and Coach McCoacherson have taken their respective seats for questions. The following is the transcript from the Quadroon's post-game press conference]

No Shoes Jackson: Before we start this press conference I'd like to thank God for giving us the strength to go out and compete today. When I first prayed to Him I believe He told me He was on His way to Syria to blow up a school bus full of children, so for Him to take two hours out of His busy schedule for this literally meaningless game of basketball means a lot to us. I'd also like to give thanks to Chaac, the Mayan god of rain and water. We sacrificed a virgin for him before the game, but judging by the outcome I think we should have sacrificed two virgins. Now, questions? Yes, pale white man.

Reporter 1: No Shoes, it appears that you guys lost today because you scored less points than the Noble Savages. Going forward, have you guys considered scoring more points than the Noble Savages?

NSJ: Well that's definitely something that's on the table. Right now we're reviewing all our options, and even reviewing other people's options. But we won't be abandoning our identity; scoring less points than the other team has worked well for us in the past so I don't think we're going to remove that element completely.

Reporter 2: DeQwondarius the Magnificent there have been many troubling reports that you are using douchebag enhancing substances. Reports claim that you are exclusively wearing medium size shirts even though you are 6'8" and that you are using cheap cologne as air freshener. Sources also claim that you are considering getting a tribal tattoo. Is there any cause for concern?

DeQwondarius the Magnificent: Nah, kid, nah. Have I made mistakes in the past? Possibly. Will I make mistakes in the future? Definitely. Am I lacking in tact and sound judgment? Maybe. Did I answer your question? Probably. Do I thnk tribal tattoos are dope as fuck? Absolutely. Do I have any shame about using a term as dated as "dope as fuck?" Nah, kid, nah.

Reporter 2: What does that even mean?

DQM: It means next question.

Reporter 3: Hi, Garfield Marmaduke with Fictitious Sports Weekly.

DQM: No one cares who you are.

Reporter 3: Yes sir, sorry sir. Your Magnificence if I may?

DQM: You may.

Reporter 3: Remember that one play where you, like, grabbed the ball and you were, like, going left then you did this really cool spin move and you were going right and then you jumped up, like, really high and then that dude was coming at you but you were all, like, "rarrgh!!" and, like, dunked? And then everyone was all, like, "ooohhh shit damn!" Remember that?

DQM: It's hard to say for certain. LSD has pretty much destroyed my ability to form new memories and retain information.

Reporter 3: Oh. Ok, well, uh, it was super cool. Thanks for dunking and stuff.

Coach McCoacherson: Any questions for me?

Reporter 1: SIT THE FUCK BACK DOWN.

Reporter 4: This question is for No Shoes Jackson. No Shoes, will you ever wear shoes during a basketball game?

NSJ: No.

Reporter 2: A tangentially related question: is there any truth to the rumors that you will be traded to the Broadway run of Cats once the season is over?

NSJ: While I believe Cats is the most purr-fect show on Broadway I'd rather focus on winning this series before talking about any trades. Meow.

Reporter 1: DeQwondarius there has been-

 

DQM: DeQwondarius the Magnificent.

 

Reporter 1: I'm sorry?

 

DQM: It's DeQwondarius the Magnificent. You need to say the whole thing. Your Magnificence is also acceptable.

 

Reporter 1: DeQwondarius the Magnificent there has been some talk of the aggressive play both teams are known for and how this might be bad for the league. In the first quarter you were given a technical for stabbing Cleveland's Derrick Mulroney to death. Is this the type of aggressive play we can expect for the rest of the series?

 

DQM: Well, I'm a competitor. When I go out there I do anything and everything I can to make sure we win. Sometimes that means to crash the boards, sometimes that means to use a sharpened toothbrush to kill another human being. If it means a W then I will gladly murder every single one of those guys. Hell, I might even murder some of my own teammates.

 

Reporter 3: Is that why Coach McCoacherson is currently bleeding, Your Magnificence?

 

Coach: That's... that's my blood... everywhere...

 

NSJ: Y'know let's not get into who stabbed who, ok? The fact is that every team could use a DeQwondarius when they-

 

DQM: DeQwondarius the Magnificent.

 

NSJ: Apologies, Your Magnificence. Every team could use a DeQwondarius the Magnificent when they step onto the court. When you're playing for a national championship every cartoonishly unhinged lunatic in your locker room brings you one step closer to victory. Now if you'll excuse us we need to get Coach to a hospital.

 

Coach: I'm so... so cold...