Advice

A good way to extend the shelf life of fruits and vegetables is to buy whiskey instead.  

Running low on writing paper? Grab two sheets of paper then fold each from the top right corner to bottom left corner. Fold top left corner to bottom right corner. Fold from left to right. Fold top to bottom. Holding the center pull each corner up, then place one sheet over the other. You now either have a paper hat or two awkwardly folded pieces of paper.
 

Never trust a big butt and a smile. Poison! Poison! P-p-p-poison!

To help remember someone's name when first meeting them shake their hand firmly, look them in the eye, and kiss them. You never forget your first kiss.

If you are down in the dumps after breaking up with a significant other ride more public transportation during high traffic times. You'll get more than enough inappropriate physical contact and uncomfortable smelling of fellow patrons to last you a week.

Always bet on black people.
 

Do not take candy from strangers, as they are probably pedophiles. Honestly anyone offering you candy on a day that isn't Halloween is probably a pedophile.

Zoning out of conversations can be a useful tactic to retain some semblance of sanity if you work in an office, have shitty friends, or know someone named Peggy. Oh, really Peggy, the dog food you normally get at Tractor Supply moved to a different aisle? That's crazy! Madness! Please talk about that and only that for fucking 10 minutes even though you clearly see I am trying to politely end the conversation and be about my business.

Considering becoming a magician? Haha! You're hysterical as always!
 

Contemplating suicide but don't want to leave a mess after blowing your brains out with a shotgun? Try shooting yourself inside your tub with the shower curtain pulled back. Leaving cleaning supplies next to your soon-to-be rotting corpse is a thoughtful and appreciated gesture for whoever finds you first.
 

Standing on chairs during office meetings will confer an image of power and assertiveness that your co-workers will respect.

Don't pee on people! It's considered rude most of the time!

There is a difference between maintaining polite eye contact during conversation and creepy creep eye contact for creeps. Ignore this difference. Concentrate on the eyes. Look at them. Make a mental note of every time their eyes nervously glance away from yours. What are they hiding? What do they know? Maintain eye contact. Perhaps they know? Know what you did? No! How could they! That would be impossible. Continue to stare into their eyes. Into their being. Until it burns. Does it burn? DOES IT BURN?

Aim for the stars but remember, most of them are really far away!

Having guests over but not looking forward to the clean up afterwards? Give each guest a trash fanny pack to wear during the party. This trick will virtually eliminate garbage from piling up around your poorly decorated living room and they look oh so stylish too!

Don't use hashtags ever, because you're not an asshole.