Are you not feeling as cheery as you usually do? Finding it hard to partake in your favorite activities? Then it appears, impressionable reader, that you are suffering from the winter blues. The winter blues, also known as seasonal affective disorder, seasonal depression, and this-is-why-no-one-likes-to-be-around-you-Karen, is a fairly common mood disorder wherein an individual develops depression, anxiety, or similar symptoms between December and February. As the winter blues are very much tied to the weather, its prevalence varies from state to state; only 1.4% of Floridians suffer from seasonal depression whereas it affects nearly 10% of Alaskans. This concludes the wikipedia portion of this article.
If you believe after a cursory internet search and a brief paragraph read that you may have seasonal affective disorder, then you are in luck. I am Dr. Coats, and I have watched The Secret dozens of times. This qualifies me to give life advice. Also I can sort of move things with my mind; unrelated to the topic at hand but it is interesting information nonetheless. Do with it as you please. Below you will find seven easy tips anyone can follow to help alleviate themselves of the dreadful winter blues.
1. Get active. Physical activity is not just good for your body, it's also good for your brain. People who regularly engage in at least 30 minutes of exercise everyday report higher levels of happiness and lower levels of both depression and anxiety. Anything from lifting weights to going for a run counts. Get moving!
2. Listen to music. According to a 2013 study from the University of Missouri, listening to upbeat music can aid in improving one's mood. While listening to music one enjoys improves one's disposition to a certain extent, purposefully choosing the type of drivel that belongs on a Kidz Bop CD has the greatest overall benefits. For three moderately complicated payments of $9.99 I will send you my personal Get Happy mixtape, which is just 10 hours of "Dancing Queen" by ABBA.
3. Public transportation. More and more research is showing that daily physical contact with other people is essential for a sound mind. Riding public transportation is a great chance to force such physical contact with another human being without being ridiculed for being an omega-level creep. Opt to ride during busy hours, sit a little too close to your fellow passengers, walk to the back of a crowded train/bus to brush across as many people as possible. The unwanted yet unavoidable physical contact combinations are endless.
4. People watch. Go to a park, a beach, a mall, anywhere large amounts of people congregate. Focus in on particularly interesting looking people, and imagine what their lives are like. Imagine how happy they currently are. Imagine how many loved ones they have waiting for them back home. Imagine how fulfilling, exciting, and rewarding their professional careers must be. Continue imagining as they walk past the horizon out of your eyesight, out of your life.
5. Stare up at the ceiling. Any ceiling will do, although your living room ceiling is the most accessible ceiling for most people. Turn your fan on a low to moderate setting and just watch it turn. Around and around always, with a slight wobble that you really should get fixed but won't. As you watch the fan spin, reminisce on your life thus far. Zero in on the mistakes, the mishaps. A word spoken too softly here, an action done too late there, a nigh endless series of cosmically irrelevant failures, one after the other. Think of the choices you could have made. The choices you should have made. Stare up at the ceiling, and think.
6. Go out for a walk. Some fresh air will do you good, you tell yourself. Maybe some time to clear your head. You leave your home, avoiding eye contact with your neighbors as you usually do. So you walk, in no particular direction, expecting some sort of clarity to reveal itself and put you on the right path. It never comes, but you aren't really surprised, are you? That good things refuse to come out of your head? It was a stupid idea, so stupid. Relax, your frustration is visible on your face. That's why everyone is staring at you. Or are they? Can they read you so easily? Left foot right foot, stay in a straight line. You've fucked up everything else in your life, don't fuck up walking, too. Everything in your life. Even her. Especially her. With each day that goes by it gets harder to remember her face, to remember her voice. The last time you called her she told you she was doing well. Job is going great and Jr looks more and more like his dad. She tells you to visit, see her and her family. You couldn't tell if that was sincerity or condescension in her voice, but you declined all the same. She is finally happy and you know it has everything to do with your absence. That's sort of a pattern for you, isn't it? People get better the less you are involved. Maybe you shouldn't be involved in anyone's life anymore. Maybe that's why you walked all the way to this bridge. Maybe in your heart your knew that this was the only viable solution. You entertain the idea but turn around, unsure if that makes you brave or a coward. Such ruminations are to be left for another time. For now you will return to the suffocating silence of your home, to cook for one, to sleep alone.
7. Bake. Baking something yummy is a surefire way to cheer anyone up. Cookies and fudge and cupcakes, oh my! My fav dessert right now is my Triple Dark Chocolate Brownies recipe. So good, you'll forgive yourself for being so bad! Four sassy finger snaps out of five!
If all else fails assume the fetal position, cry, and hope you run out of tears before March.
Dr. Coats
