Hiya, neighbor! Looks like you're trying to get inside your apartment to drop off all those groceries you're currently holding! Oh fucking well, you are now committed to entertaining my mildly dull banter for another three, maybe four minutes! Long time no see! Golly! Has it really been a whole two days since we last saw each other, making my use of the phrase "long time no see" entirely inappropriate!? It has, and it does! Phrases are weird!
I AM GOING TO CONTINUE THE REST OF THIS CONVERSATION AT A DECIBEL LEVEL TOO HIGH GIVEN THE CONTEXT BUT NOT LOUD ENOUGH TO WARRANT A FORMAL COMPLAINT.
Crazy weather we're having, right? You'd imagine that after 40 plus years living in Texas the changing of seasons would have lost their luster upon my person, but no. No. Y'know how the temperature drops gradually enough that any dipshit with working skin would be able to plan accordingly for the impending winter? I sure as fuck don't, because it always catches me by surprise! Oh Mother Nature, you sneaky cunt, you!
Let's quickly discuss sports, because society has taught me that football and basketball are safe conversations to have with a black man. Excuse me, man of color. Colored. Sorry, African-American-colored man. Did you see that team win that game? Because they won it. The game, that is.
Anecdote about that one time I tackled a dude in high school and got a concussion, which explains much of my current disposition and gets better each time I tell it which is every time because this is the only anecdote I have like seriously what the fuck I'm not even trying when I talk to people I just shove this faux-concussion anecdote into as many fucking situations as I can and always deliver it with this really phony somberness - that would be right at home in a Lifetime movie - without regard to either the current tone or direction of the conversation and to top it all off I don't even mix up how I tell the story, same fucking inflections same fucking pauses while I look off into the distance like I was recounting my time in Vietnam and then I'll act somewhat indignant when you have nothing to add to a story you have heard more times than any one man should hear a story.
But yeah, like we were saying (but mostly I was saying because despite being boring as shit I still manage to dominate all conversations we have), weather makes birds fly and stuff.
Okay, I think I've stalled just long enough for that sherbet in your bag to melt awkwardly over the rest of your food so bye!
