Back

Many a dudebro relishes the opportunity to train chest or arms. These are the type of men who, with ironic t-shirts and unironic tribal tattoos, turn gyms across the country into adult daycares for the clinically narcissistic. In these douche havens arms are alternatively referred to as guns, pythons,  Season 3 & 4 of The Wire. Peacocking made mundane. As with most forms of showmanship, what lies beneath the panache is far more interesting. Or in this case, behind.

I'm talking about backs, bro.

From Atlas to Arnold, adversity has necessitated a powerful back. Backs are where we place our burden, carry our tribulations. To have a weak back is to have a weak constitution. There is little trust deserved to the man who cannot deadlift hella sick weight, bro. You wouldn't trust a barber with a fucked up haircut, would you? Or a fast food employee not suffering from depression? Then why, pray tell, are people with small backs given the time of day? 

Backs go unseen only to the uninitiated. A proper V-taper, the physical foundation upon which the prototypical man is built, is less an attribute seen and more a presence felt. It is why those lacking legendary lats inflate themselves like pufferfish. Pufferfish are not predators. Studies that have yet to be conducted confirm that men and women with sick lat spreads earn more money and live longer than their puny counterparts. Success should be measured in number of doorways you've had both shoulders brush against. 

Strong backs and calloused hands go together like gorillas and misplaced children. If one's lumbar region is well developed, then it stands to reason that one's work ethic and resolve is equally well developed. To have a powerful back is to be able to withstand all the world can throw at you. To be unbowed, unbent, unbroken (I've been watching a lot of Game of Thrones recently, sorry). There is a reason we hunch over when walking through storms. 

Bathrooms

Earlier this week I had a rather unpleasant encounter in a public bathroom at Target. As I was making my way to enter the restroom, I was stopped by a police officer who asked to see some form of identification. After showing him my driver's license he made me drop my pants to ensure I was indeed male. License is a bit old, he says. Need to be sure. He then cut the palm of my hand with a Valyrian steel knife and collected my blood in a macabre goblet made from those who "trespassed upon this room of bath with genitalia most untrue." I had to wait five days for the raven to return from the maester veryfing the maleness of my blood before I could even step foot into the restroom.  

Oh wait. None of that happened because I don't live in a comically Orwellian police state that deems it necessary to devote time and money to ensure that suburban mothers with suburban haircuts can rest easy knowing that dastardly perverts will have to find other locations to get their molestation fix. Like the child's home, where it normally happens.

Time and again I see the same two arguments brought up in defense of bathroom laws. Shit scriptures is a name I pitched a while ago to no avail. Transgender people are mentally ill or un-American and the end goal of any proposed legislation is to protect kids from those who would do them harm. Naturally, both are bullshit.

Let's disregard that transgender or third gender people have been observed in cultures around the world since the beginning of time and focus only on America's history with the T in LGBT. The term Two-Spirit is a sort of umbrella label for Native people who identify as trans, although the word's usage as an umbrella term is relatively recent. Years before the Trail of Tears (more social conservatism at work) many - not all - Native tribes had their own words for transgender people; for instance, someone born as a man who lives as a woman would be called winkte among the Lakota. Despite currently not being allowed to serve in the military, transgender men and women have served this country in conflicts ranging from Spanish to Iraqi. To the people taken aback by the current visibility of American trans people, relax. They aren't suddenly descending from the ether to make your trips to the bathroom more arduous; they've been quietly pooping next to you for the entirety of your existence.

The history of pedophiles is longer than the history of transgender men and women by like three hours. Pervs goin' perv. Those pedophiles you don't want using the restroom with your daughter? They've been a few feet away from your son for years. Besides, trans men and women aren't in the restroom to sexually assault your child. Spending five minutes googling "transgender murder statistics" will show you that trans people are being assaulted and killed at an alarmingly high rate. A transgender woman forced to use the men's restroom is subjecting herself to, at best, ridicule and, at worst, getting beaten to death. It's easy to remain dismissive of the inherent dangers a trans person faces every time they use the restroom because who actually cares about trannys? They're weird.

Using the protect-the-children defense is irritating, to say the least. If you really gave a shit about children you'd be funding safe driving and suicide prevention groups, seeing as those are the top two causes of death among children age 10-18. If you really gave a shit about children you'd be able to stop your neighbor or relative from molesting your child (of children who are molested, 89-91% are molested by a relative or friend of the family). The fact is, conservatives don't give a shit about the health and well-being of children. They are merely using kids as a bludgeon in their assault on Americans who just want to poop where their heart tells them to poop. 

While I wholeheartedly disagree with social conservatives, I hesitate to say their beliefs on the best direction for America is wrong. Rather, I tell them "you are going to be disappointed." Looking at the last 100 years of American history one sees social conservatism suffering defeat after defeat. Women can vote, black people can sit anywhere on a bus, gay people can get married, Tumblr exists (I chalk that last one as a collective loss, though). Social conservatives have turned into Monty Python's black knight, valiantly defending nothing that deserves defending and consistently failing. Y'all had one hell of a run during America's relatively brief lifespan, what with confining women to kitchens and imprisoning citizens because they've attended a showing of The Communist Manifesto: The Musical. However, all good things must come to an end. Social conservatism is dead. 

I for one look forward to progressive advancements in the years to come. I mean, can you imagine conservatives' faces when we get an actual Muslim president rather than a pretend-Muslim president? They'll shit enough bricks to build that fucking wall everyone wants.