Cowboys

Dear God,

What's up Bro - can I call You Bro? - what have You been up to? I mean aside from further destabilizing the Middle East. I'm not judging, Bro, we all have our hobbies. Some people like to jog, some people like to paint, You happen to enjoy petty wars between dozens of loosely affiliated coalitions fighting over whose dirt is most deserving of Your favor. To each his own. But I'm not here to clumsily talk about international politics (we literally just elected a guy for that), I'm here for something more important, more salient. 

As I'm sure You know since You're You, the NFL playoffs are currently underway. Appreciate You helping the Patriots cover the spread, as that saved my ass with biracial Italian mobster Anthony "Fat Tony Toni Tone" Roselli. Dude's a real pain. Now I know prayer doesn't work on a 1:1 scale; I can't pray for something and expect it to happen, obviously. I also know You aren't real and have mostly outlived Your usefulness as a coping mechanism for goat herders' death anxiety, but none of that matters right now. What matters is that You need to have the Green Bay Packers beat the Dallas Cowboys. 

Now I know what You're thinking; "Oh my Me, I just helped with the Patriots game! A 16 point spread against a pretty solid defense!? You can't seriously be asking Ol' Magic Fingers to whip up some more shenanigans." Your Holiness, You are absolutely correct (as usual). To continue to aid my crippling gambling addiction would be both immoral and irresponsible. This prayer is not for my own monetary gain, nor is it even to see the Packers win, even more norer is it to see the Cowboys themselves lose. I am praying to see Cowboys fans lose. 

You're mysterious. We get that. But jeez, Bro, did You have to only use the autism clay when forming the most annoying fan base in all of sports? Since they started winning a few months ago not a day has gone by without hearing or reading a grown man doing his damnedest to mask depression and a failing marriage proclaim WE DEM BOYZ like he's part of some elite strike force that specializes in being annoying as fuck. I didn't even add caps locks for effect, that's how they write it. I was recently assaulted by a gang of Cowboys fans - each more mouth breathery than the last - at a 7/11 when I refused to respond to one of their cereal eating gestures with "let Zeke eat." And these fucking flags! My heart bleeds for the Peruvian children forced to produce each and every one of these flags flown from lawns, doors, cars, and anywhere else that doesn't really need a sports team flag. 

I can forgive the utter lack of tact and humility displayed by Cowboys fans. I can forgive the cannibalization of former franchise quarterback and five time Aww Shucks Face Award winner Tony Romo. I can forgive the tangible hubris known as AT&T Stadium. I can even forgive the fair weather nature inherent to the Cowboys fan base, but I cannot forgive the cumulative awfulness of Cowboys fans.

So if You're awesome (which You are) then please have the Cowboys lose in a manner that would produce the highest amount of grown man tears. Late fumble, missed field goal, that sort of thing. Oh, wait! It might be a bit much but if we could have a showing of Dez Bryant's latest one man play The Catch Vol 2: Not This Shit Again, that would be fantastic.  

Amen.