Dear Dominic,
I'm really in a pickle, brother. For the longest time I've wanted to dress up as pre-racism Hulk Hogan for Halloween; y'know, when he was A Real American® rocking 24 inch pythons and kept his views of black people well hidden. Part of the problem is that I've been procrastinating on fixing my diet, and the other part of the problem is the refugee crisis in Syria has really been distracting me. Hard to focus with all that craziness, brother. Because of those two issues, right now I look less Hulkster and more dumpster. Long story short, I have roughly 30 hours to lose 30 lbs and fit into the Hulk Hogan costume I literally just bought, brother. I know, I know, I shouldn't be waiting til the last minute to get in shape. Procrastinating has been a problem family and friends have insisted I address but that will have to wait for another time. Right now I need a weight loss miracle, brother.
Friendly Advice Taker
Dear FAT,
"Look less Hulkster and more dumpster?" Don't you ever try that People magazine prose bullshit again or I swear to God I will end you. Almost threw away your letter when I read that. That line made me physically ill and if my usually superb advice is less than stellar you will only have yourself to blame.
If you want to go from flab to fab in less than two days you'll have to think outside the box a bit. Eating sensibly and exercising regularly is all well and good but in your case more drastic measures are necessary to achieve the Hulkster's legendary physique. First things first, drown out the naysayers.
I'm really in a pickle, brother. For the longest time I've wanted to dress up as pre-racism Hulk Hogan for Halloween; y'know, when he was A Real American® rocking 24 inch pythons and kept his views of black people well hidden. Part of the problem is that I've been procrastinating on fixing my diet, and the other part of the problem is the refugee crisis in Syria has really been distracting me. Hard to focus with all that craziness, brother. Because of those two issues, right now I look less Hulkster and more dumpster. Long story short, I have roughly 30 hours to lose 30 lbs and fit into the Hulk Hogan costume I literally just bought, brother. I know, I know, I shouldn't be waiting til the last minute to get in shape. Procrastinating has been a problem family and friends have insisted I address but that will have to wait for another time. Right now I need a weight loss miracle, brother.
Friendly Advice Taker
Dear FAT,
"Look less Hulkster and more dumpster?" Don't you ever try that People magazine prose bullshit again or I swear to God I will end you. Almost threw away your letter when I read that. That line made me physically ill and if my usually superb advice is less than stellar you will only have yourself to blame.
If you want to go from flab to fab in less than two days you'll have to think outside the box a bit. Eating sensibly and exercising regularly is all well and good but in your case more drastic measures are necessary to achieve the Hulkster's legendary physique. First things first, drown out the naysayers.
"Experts" will tell you it's impossible to lose 30 lbs in under 48 hours; experts also said Trump would never beat Hillary, and now he is the most powerful man in the free world. Sure, he hasn't passed any meaningful legislation in the nine months he's been in office. Sure, he hasn't made any progress on getting that fucking wall up. Sure, he hasn't refused the bait of getting into petty Twitter wars with every D-list celebrity who calls him a cunt. But y'know what? He's still MY president. Take that, liberals.
Now normally I would only advise using one, maybe two, of the following weight loss techniques at a time, but if Hulkamania is to run all over Halloween then you're going to have to implement all of them. If at any time in the next two days you want to quit or give up, ask yourself what would Hulk Hogan do? Would he quit? Or would he cheat on his wife and call black people niggers? I think you know the answer. Here are the techniques, in no particular order.
Sweat more. Athletes who compete in sports with weight classes (think MMA or powerlifting) will often cut water weight by sweating it out. Put on some sweatpants, a hoodie, and jump on an airdyne bike until you've lost a few pounds. Afterwards relax in a sauna for a few more pounds.
Bleed yourself. Blood is thicker than water, sweat is basically water, so blood is thicker than sweat, therefore an ounce of blood weighs more than an ounce of water. That's just science. Go to your local physician and get some leeches for proper bloodletting. Be cautious, though; if your physician is a woman then she is most likely a witch and should be burnt at the stake.
Shame yourself. Although we live in the age of body positivity, nothing kick starts a solid weight loss regimen like unnecessarily critical dissection of every minor bodily flaw and a self perception that is completely incongruous with reality. Go full ballerina-trying-to-secure-her-spot-in-elite-ballet-company-at-grave-cost-to-both-physical-and-mental-health, really cut loose here. (Sample shaming in next tip)
Don't eat. You can't gain weight if you don't put food into your fat fucking mouth. Besides, once whatever disappointing Halloween party you attend finishes - where people will no doubt be too distracted by your double chin to notice your love handles - you can stop at Wal Mart and pick up some cheap candy, you obese piece of shit. God, you disgust me. (See? Easy)
No sleeping. Your body's metabolism slows when asleep, ergo no sleep. Plus I imagine you don't want to get blood all over your mattress.
Smoke cigarettes. C'mon dude, don't be lame. All the other kids are doing it; even Julie is. From third period? She'd totally go for you if you started smoking, I'm sure. Dude! You're the only one with a brother over 18, how else are we going to get cigarettes! Just smoke one, and if you don't like it, I won't keep pushing.
Negro spirituals. For this one you'll have to get out of character as the Hulkster since I feel he wouldn't approve. Between the conditioning work and bleeding and lack of food, you'll be experiencing at least minor discomfort. While it won't directly aid weight loss, negro spirituals do make arduous tasks slightly more palatable.
These techniques carry with them some inherent danger, so while I won't say they will probably kill you, I will say they should kill you. The human body is only so durable. However, if you survive, you will unleash a Hulkamania not seen since he slammed Andre the Giant in '87. Good luck, brother!
Now normally I would only advise using one, maybe two, of the following weight loss techniques at a time, but if Hulkamania is to run all over Halloween then you're going to have to implement all of them. If at any time in the next two days you want to quit or give up, ask yourself what would Hulk Hogan do? Would he quit? Or would he cheat on his wife and call black people niggers? I think you know the answer. Here are the techniques, in no particular order.
Sweat more. Athletes who compete in sports with weight classes (think MMA or powerlifting) will often cut water weight by sweating it out. Put on some sweatpants, a hoodie, and jump on an airdyne bike until you've lost a few pounds. Afterwards relax in a sauna for a few more pounds.
Bleed yourself. Blood is thicker than water, sweat is basically water, so blood is thicker than sweat, therefore an ounce of blood weighs more than an ounce of water. That's just science. Go to your local physician and get some leeches for proper bloodletting. Be cautious, though; if your physician is a woman then she is most likely a witch and should be burnt at the stake.
Shame yourself. Although we live in the age of body positivity, nothing kick starts a solid weight loss regimen like unnecessarily critical dissection of every minor bodily flaw and a self perception that is completely incongruous with reality. Go full ballerina-trying-to-secure-her-spot-in-elite-ballet-company-at-grave-cost-to-both-physical-and-mental-health, really cut loose here. (Sample shaming in next tip)
Don't eat. You can't gain weight if you don't put food into your fat fucking mouth. Besides, once whatever disappointing Halloween party you attend finishes - where people will no doubt be too distracted by your double chin to notice your love handles - you can stop at Wal Mart and pick up some cheap candy, you obese piece of shit. God, you disgust me. (See? Easy)
No sleeping. Your body's metabolism slows when asleep, ergo no sleep. Plus I imagine you don't want to get blood all over your mattress.
Smoke cigarettes. C'mon dude, don't be lame. All the other kids are doing it; even Julie is. From third period? She'd totally go for you if you started smoking, I'm sure. Dude! You're the only one with a brother over 18, how else are we going to get cigarettes! Just smoke one, and if you don't like it, I won't keep pushing.
Negro spirituals. For this one you'll have to get out of character as the Hulkster since I feel he wouldn't approve. Between the conditioning work and bleeding and lack of food, you'll be experiencing at least minor discomfort. While it won't directly aid weight loss, negro spirituals do make arduous tasks slightly more palatable.
These techniques carry with them some inherent danger, so while I won't say they will probably kill you, I will say they should kill you. The human body is only so durable. However, if you survive, you will unleash a Hulkamania not seen since he slammed Andre the Giant in '87. Good luck, brother!
As a successful amature athlete and certified alternative spiritual nutritionist I stand by these recommendations but would also add hitting a vindictive gypsies with your car as seen in the 1996 weight loss documentary Thin. I would also miss in some light Santeria.
ReplyDeleteGypsy curses are a true panacea to the world of weight loss, excellent recommendation.
DeleteThis is science.
ReplyDelete