Nigerian

Dear Friend and Acquaintance,

Forgive for such an informal notice of assistance. I am Prince Charmander Agabi, Defense Secretary of the Nigerian People of Freedom Republic. As you may well already be aware of and know, we are currently fighting the Nigerian Army of Tyranny and Oppression. We have only now recently begun to march single file onto Abuja, our capital city of Nigeria, seeking to overthrow President Bulbasaur Okafor. His leadership has been an outrage and injustice to our people. To fight the government people we must properly have the funds to make do so.

To aid in the fight we shall transport the sum of 250000USD$ to your account, of which you will re route to an offshore account near a shore. Upon successful completion we shall transfer 10000USD$ to your account successfully. I would not ask you of this if not very necessary. We shall need your account information and date of birth to verify your trust and once verified we shall transfer you the sum of 250000USD$ immediately. The people of Nigeria thank you friend.

Regards,

Prince Charmander Agabi


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

My Dearest Charmander,

 

Oh! Has it been so many years, my love! Many an evening I have waited on the veranda, praying to catch a glimpse of your carriage returned from the War, or for the postman to deliver a message of your good health. Instead, many an evening I lay awake in tears for I was greeted with no such correspondence. For so long I have yearned for your touch, for the rough, callused hands of an African warlord masquerading as a diplomat, and now, after all this time, you return to me!

 

Oh! The way you held me in the foyer as we basked in the moonlight, the way you gently nibbled on my ear like a man mouse nibbles on a woman mouse's ear, the way you sent your military junta to slaughter an entire village so that we could leisurely stroll through town square. My love! My sweet, sweet Charmander! Just the thought of your touching my body makes me... makes me...

 

Oh! It appears I have fainted. My delicate, womanly form could only take so much scandalous thoughts of you and I together before succumbing to my lady boner and losing consciousness.

 

Oh! I had initially feared for the worst when I sent letters to you on the war front only to have severed human fingers returned to me. Surely, I thought, surely this could not be true; the man who taught me burning the children of one's enemy is an effective method for squashing disobedience in one's own ranks could not meet so grisly a fate.

 

Oh! There is so much you have missed in your five years on the war front, my love! Without your military to buy their wares, the local machete factory has closed indefinitely. So has the Superfluous Military Medals factory, unfortunately. Many of the women your soldiers raped have given birth to healthy, beautiful mulatto children. Alas, my womb remains barren and devoid of child. But oh! With your return we shall rejoin our bodies in union, my legs spread out among the stars and heavens to receive your noble celestial ejaculate. Finally, my love, you shall have your heir!

Oh! You need not ask for my assistance with your war effort, my love; only tell me where, and I shall send the full extent of my resources to aid you. Unfortunately, there is but one stipulation. Currently, as you know, there is an embargo between the Colonies and Nigeria. Luckily, there is no such restrictions with either country trading with the Democratic Republic of Congo. If you were to transfer the sum of 500000USD$ to my account in the Congo, I would be able to repay with interest plus 250000USD$. While I make arrangements with my associates if you would be so kind as to write me with your account information and date of birth to verify that you are indeed the love of my life.

Devoted Always,

Lady Catherine Raventits